Kiss the Hopeless Cook
by Azure Mercenary
Summary: Ike and his fellow swordsmen try to make dinner with painful results. How can someone so talented with a sword be so hopeless with a knife? Will a certain princess be able to make it all better? -IkexZelda- -Rated T for language- -oneshot-


**I OWN NOTHING! UNDERSTAND? NOTHING!**

_Kiss the Hopeless Cook_

Five smashers stood in the middle of the large kitchen. The kitchen looked like it belonged to a five-star restaurant rather than a mansion. It even had it's own pantry in the back.

The two princesses looked at the three swordsmen questioningly. Ike had just suggested what Zelda thought was the most hilarious thing she'd ever heard.

"_You guys _want to make dinner?" Zelda asked the trio standing in front of her.

"Absolutely," said Ike. "There is nothing else we'd rather do than give you lovely ladies some time off. _Right guys_?" The mercenary looked at his two best friends with a murderous glare.

"Oh…yeah," Link said with a fake smile.

"For sure," Marth added, frantically nodding his head.

"Are you sure?" said Peach. She wasn't very keen on leaving the three swordsmen alone in her kitchen. Well it wasn't her kitchen, it really belonged to Master Hand, who owned the Smash Mansion. But as Peach was the one who was always cooking and cleaning in there, she considered it hers. Okay hers and Zelda's. After all, Zelda was always helping out.

"Yeah, we don't want you guys burning the house down," said Zelda.

"It's fine, it's fine," Ike said pushing the women out of the kitchen. "Just go and enjoy yourselves. Tonight, you ladies have the night off."

"Okay then," said an unconvinced Peach. "Just…call us if you need anything."

"Alright, alright, go on, get out!" Ike said impatiently and he continued to shove the princesses out of the kitchen.

"But-" Peach and Zelda began.

"GET OUT!"

And with that, the princesses departed down the hallway and into the large sitting room. There was no one else inside. All of the other smashers were either Brawling, or playing outside.

"Do you think it's okay to leave the guys in there alone?" Peach asked her best friend. "I don't want them ruining anything in our kitchen."

Zelda sat down on the couch and looked at her. "Just let them be," she said. "I'm sure they'll come running to us for help sooner or later. Let's just take advantage of the limited time we have. I mean it's not every day someone offers to make dinner for us. Just take a load off Peachie."

Giving in, Peach sat next to Zelda and sighed. "I guess you're right."

******

"This is stupid," Link said as he and Marth stood in the kitchen pantry, looking for necessary ingredients to use for dinner.

"I know," Marth replied, rolling his eyes. "You know why Ike put us up to this right?"

"Duh, because of his crush on Zelda. He thinks by making dinner for them she'll be all like," Link put on a girlish voice, "'Oh Ike, that was like, soooo sweet of you. I'm like, soooo in love with you now.' I mean seriously, what are the odds of that happening?"

"Not very high. But regardless, I think the girls do need some time off. They _do _work hard."

"Yeah, yeah. But Ike's only doing it to impress Zelda."

Marth smirked at his friend. "Are you jealous, Link?"

Link blushed slightly, but recovered. "Nah, I don't like Zelda that way. I used to, but not anymore. She's more like the sister I never had. That's the way I see her nowadays."

"What if I were to ask her out?" Marth asked.

"I wouldn't mind, Ike would kill you though."

"I know, I'm just messing around. I don't like her that way either."

"You like Peach that way," said Link with a mischievous grin.

"I-I do not!" Marth said, blushing. He looked around nervously, hoping to change the subject. Luckily, Ike came to the rescue.

"WILL YOU GUYS HURRY IT UP!"

Both swordsmen jumped at the sound of Ike's voice coming from the kitchen behind them. They were supposed to be gathering ingredients.

"Yeah, yeah, keep your armor on," Link yelled back. He and Marth stopped talking (Marth breathed a sigh of relief) and began searching for the lemons and garlic. After a minute, they gathered the required ingredients and brought them over to Ike.

"This isn't so hard," said Link as he put the ingredients down.

"We haven't even started yet, dummy," Ike said. "I've already started the pasta. Now we have to cut the garlic and juice the lemons. You two work on the lemons and I'll handle the garlic.

And so they set to work. Ike began chopping as fast as he could while Link and Marth began juicing.

"Why don't you go help Ike," said Link when he began to get the hang of using a juicer. "I can do this myself."

"Alright." So Marth made his way towards Ike, who was hacking at those garlic like there's no tomorrow. Marth noticed Ike's fingers were a bit too close to the knife. Marth was about to warn him when it happened.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Ike stood there, holding his finger and screaming at the top of his voice.

"MY FINGER! I CUT OF MY F*****G FINGER! AAAAAAHHHHHH! GODDAMN IT!

Ike continued to yell. His words were becoming more and more foul as he continued his rant.

******

"So, what's going on between you and Ike?" Peach asked, nudging her best friend and winking. Zelda blushed as crimson as her dress (she was wearing her dark red dress that day).

"Nothing! Nothing's going on!"

"Uh-huh," said Peach sarcastically. "I don't see why you don't just tell him how you feel already. I'm sure he feels the same way about you."

"But…I don't-"

Zelda paused in mid-sentence. She listened as shouts of very foul language reached her sensitive Hylian ears.

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Listen."

The yells increased in volume and Peach was able to hear what Ike was saying.

"Oh my," she said, clapping a hand to her mouth.

"What the hell is going on over there?" Zelda asked, standing up. "Let's go see." She and Peach both ran to the kitchen. As they approached it, Ike's words became more and more coherent.

"STUPID F*****G KNIFE! I'M NEVER COOKING AGAIN! EVER!"

The princesses made it to the kitchen and stared at the three swordsmen. Marth's mouth was hanging open and his eyes were wide. Link was holding his hands to his ears, the yelling was obviously bothering the poor Hylian's sensitive ears. Ike was jumping up and down in place, holding his finger and cursing at the top of his voice.

"DAMN IT ALL…"

The screaming had soon become too much for the poor princess. Like Link, her hands flew to her ears to try and block out the sound. Peach was calling Ike's name, trying to tell him to stop, but to no avail.

"THAT SON OF A…"

_That's it_, thought the female Hylian. She walked up to the mercenary, drew all of her strength into her hand and…

SLAP!

Ike staggered, his hand still clutching his finger. He looked around, wide-eyed at what had struck him. When he saw Zelda standing there, with her hand raised, he felt himself blush. Luckily, since his face was already red from the slap, it didn't make much of a difference.

"Oh. P-P-Princess. I'm sorry if my shouting alarmed you," he said as politely as his voice would allow. He winced. Obviously, his finger was still in a lot of pain.

"Actually, disturbed is a better word for it," Peach said.

"Or scarred for life," said Zelda, rubbing her ears. "Those weren't very clean words Ike. And have you forgotten that _some _of our ears can't take as much yelling as others can?"

Ike looked at her, then at Link. The Hero of Time was still holding his hands to his ears, his eyes were shut tight.

"Sorry," Ike mumbled, the pain in his finger completely forgotten. His voice was hoarse from all of his screaming. On top of that, his head began to throb. "Ouch, now I have a headache."

"Welcome to my world," said an irritated Link. He had finally removed his hands from his ears and was now glaring at Ike.

"Sorry," he said again. Then, the pain in his finger returned in full measure. "OOOWWW! It's just that I freakin' cut my finger off! AAAAHHHH!"

"Shut up and come here," Zelda said, beckoning Ike towards her. "Let me see it." Ike shook his head. "Will you stop being a baby? How can I fix it if you don't let me see?"

Reluctantly, Ike walked up to her and removed his hand from the injury. The uninjured hand was stained with blood and his injury was worse. Blood was still dripping from his finger, but it was still in place.

"It's not that bad," Zelda explained after examining it. "You should consider yourself lucky you still have your finger. A quick clean-up and a bandage should do the trick. Come along now." And she pulled Ike out of the kitchen and towards her room. The trio still in the kitchen silently watched them go. Peach was the first to regain her composure.

"Well?" said Peach clapping her hands. "Let's get moving! Dinner isn't going to cook itself you know!"

The two surviving swordsmen groaned.

******

Ike was sitting on the toilet seat of the bathroom in Zelda's room. Ike winced as Zelda applied some iodine to the deep cut on Ike's finger.

"Will you quit it?" she said, frustrated at Ike's constant winces and jerks. "You're such a baby. You're the leader of a group of mercenaries and yet you can't even handle little cut."

"It is not little!" Ike said, outraged. "Just look at it! My whole finger almost came off!"

"Whatever." She took a bandage out from the box, peeled off the plastic, and placed it on his injury. She then stepped back and admired her work. "See? You're gonna be fine."

"Thanks," said Ike. "It feels better already."

"You're welcome," replied the princess. "Now let's go, you still have dinner to cook."

Not at all wanting to return to the kitchen, Ike cast his mind around for ideas of conversation. Of course since it was Zelda he was talking to, this proved difficult. Talking to the princess was always a difficult feat. Ike would always stutter and blush. He'd get these funny feelings in his stomach as well, which he had now. He knew it was because he had feelings for her, but telling her was just too frightening.

_Wait! Maybe I don't have to…_

Ike had an idea. It was bold, but well worth it if it worked. Steeling his nerves, he spoke.

"You forgot something."

"What?" asked a confused Zelda.

"You didn't kiss it."

_I can't believe I'm doing this…_

Zelda's face turned a deep shade of red. "WHAT did you say?"

_Just a little bit more…_

Putting on a child's voice, Ike said, "You have to kiss the boo-boo to make it feel better."

"What are you, four-years-old?"

"You said I was a baby, right princess?" He pouted and put on his best pair of puppy-dog eyes.

_Just keep up the charm…_

"Ugh, fine," Zelda said, rolling her eyes.

_Perfect…_

Ike moved his bandaged finger right in front of his face and Zelda knelt down to kiss it.

_Almost…_

As her lips came close to the bandage, Ike quickly moved his hand away.

_Gotcha!_

Zelda's heart jumped as her lips touched not bandage, but another pair of lips. Her first reaction was to pull away, but instead she found herself wrapping her arms around the mercenary's neck and pulling him in, deepening their kiss. All too soon however, reality settled in and the two had to part for air. Both were gazing silently at each other. It was hard to tell which had a redder face. Then, Zelda snapped.

"What the hell was that for?" She yelled.

_Uh-oh._

"I…I…"

_This was a bad idea. Just look at how mad she is. Great, now she hates me._

"Why did you do that?" Her voice was getting louder. It was funny how her own shouting wasn't bothering her, while Ike's did.

_There's no turning back now. I gotta man up and tell her straight to her beautiful face. _

He stood up. Zelda, though quite tall herself, was no match for Ike's superior height.

"Why else?" he said. "Because I love you."

_That was easy…Why didn't I just tell her before?_

Zelda was speechless. She had expected him to say something stupid and offensive, but not this.

"You…"

_She's stalling. Not a good sign._

"Don't make me repeat myself," said Ike, regaining his usual demeanor. He stood there, staring, waiting for her to say something…anything. His heart began to beat fast.

_She doesn't feel the same way_. _She doesn't love me, and she's gonna tell me that too. Just look at how mad she got when I tricked her into kissing me. WHY OH WHY DID I DO IT?_

"I…"

_Here it comes! Brace yourself for impact, Ike._

"Love you too."

And she kissed him once again. Her arms snaked their way up to his neck again.

_NO F*****G WAY!_

Ecstatic, Ike threw his arms around her and joined in on the kiss. His hands moved up to her hair and remained there, stroking it gently.

_How the hell did she go from hating me to loving me in a second? Maybe she was just shocked at what I did. I don't know, but I'm goin' with it. YEAH!_

They remained lip-locked for a while, before there was another oxygen issue and the two parted, gasping for air.

_Oh my God, we're in a bathroom…_

"Not very romantic," said Ike, voicing his thoughts. "Confessing love in a bathroom."

"Well then let's get out of here. We have dinner to make."

She led the way out of the bathroom, out of her room, down the stairs, and towards the kitchen. Before they entered however, Ike stopped her.

"What is it?" Zelda asked.

"You know, you still haven't kissed my finger yet," said Ike, smirking.

"Oh shut up."

_**Fin.**_

**And that's that. I tried to make it funny, for the comedy lovers, although I'm not sure how successful I was. I also wanted to make it fluffy, for the romantics. Hope you enjoyed! Like, review and stuff okay?**


End file.
